Friday, September 26, 2003

"Convicts with a record": the fine art of the film review
Guest blog by Lyn

Warning! possible spoilers for a really crap film!

I've been enjoying a bunch of reviews for a film I haven't seen, and has only just been released in the US: Cold Creek Manor, a "horror" "thriller" starring Sharon Stone and Dennis Quaid, which is apparently neither horrifying, nor thrilling. It's bad, the kind of bad that allows reviewers to crack their knuckles, roll back their sleeves, and start slinging the mud.

My top three quotes:

1. From James Sanford: "Quaid and Stone look utterly ridiculous when they scream, a major debit in a movie of this type."

2. From Sean O'Connell: "It's only scary if a malicious redneck holding a grudge terrifies you".

3. From Roger Ebert - Cold Creek Manor is another one of those movies where a demented fiend devotes an extraordinary amount of energy to setting up scenes for the camera. Think of the trouble it would be for one man, working alone, to kill a horse and dump it into a swimming pool." I know what you mean Roger - I'm exhausted just contemplating it.

Cold Creek Manor is one of those awesome flicks, which every five frames focuses on a rusty dagger, a noose, a stained glass window or a dark well. Think those things will be Significant Later In The Film? Yes. Yes they will. Ah, the gloriousness of bad horror film predictability.

To finish on a better note: I've been enjoying some people's wit on the Four Word Film Review site. The top voted film review is currently this great one for the Blair Witch Project: "Tense. Intense. In Tents."

How about this one for My Girl: "Bees, 1. Culkin, 0."

In honour of Douglas, I also offer one for Batman: "Joker removed from pack".

The title of this blog entry is actually a four word review for a film. Anyone able to guess it without cheating?

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