Sunday, January 18, 2004

Vile and villainous villainy
(or, "Where is my army of evil winged monkeys, dammit?")

I've thought long and hard about the career merits of being a Bond villain, or at least a consultant to Bond villains (all the perks, much lower chance of being killed by some pesky Brit in a dinner suit) - so where was this book at my high-school careers fair?

How to be a villain is full of practical advice for the cut-price, time-poor villain: "No time to awaken an army of the undead? ... Paint a large curtain with a tromp l'oeil scene depicting hundred of thousands of undead eager to do your bidding. Hang it behind you whenever you confront the townsfolk." (Or you can buy your own undead-army making "Zombification System" over here from the nice ... sorry, EVIL ... people at

Dammit, I want this book. Not only is it cool, New Line Cinema has apparently optioned the film rights.

My top-five wishlist in a world where I am an evil overlord?

(1) A secret underground lair. These never go out of style and are oh-so-cool. There would have to be some sort of mountain-top villa attached though, because lack of natural daylight makes me grumpy. Not that in a villain that would be such a problem.

(2) A transforming car. I was obsessed with these as a kid, to wit: the Danger Mouse car and Dr Claw's Clawmobile. I would then have to learn how to fly it, of course, but roof-top parking would be much easier. I could at least skip obtaining a pilot's license. (I'd be being evil, remember?)

(3) A chair with buttons. They needn't do anything, and I don't care how anti the point-and-click/touch-sensitive-surfaces age they may be, a villain ain't a villain without an arm-rest full of buttons. In fact, having them mostly non-functional would probably be a real asset. Give you somewhere to rest your arm for a start and - if one chose to own a villainous cat - would prevent it inadvertently unleashing Armageddon, or mutant cross-bred piranha-penguins.

(4) Teleportation equipment. I actually find commuting kind of fun, but business travel and jet-lag really suck. It would also vastly expand one's range of options in terms of popping out for a quick lunch and some duty-free shopping.

(5) A legion of winged monkeys. I mean, where's the fun without the monkeys? I'd even give 'em all type writers and they could do my blog content as well as enforcing my evil will.

Anyway, time for a quiz. Which Batman villain are you?

He's got plenty of time.
You are: R'AS AL GHUL!

Which Batman Villain Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I love obscure references, and the quiz questions aren't too bad either.

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