A market opening: consulting to Bond villains?
(Or, what I did on my long weekend)

So, I passed the long weekend mostly at my ex-flatmate, Madness Boy’s, new Coogee flat. Being back in Sydney was weird. I compared notes with someone who’d just returned from a long posting to Melbourne and we agreed that we both stepped out into the Sydney CBD induced feelings of nostalgia and, oddly, fear.

Madness Boy’s new flat is great: huge balconies, fabulous location, views of the beach and oval. He and his flatmates were extremely generous in hosting a long-weekend itinerant population of friends, girlfriends, host-sisters and ex-flatmates that drifted through. I think the population of the three-lad-pad peaked at about seven. It made for a great beach-and-brunch sessions.

Another highlight was the Sunday night watchin of “Die Another Day” in the company of lads (and women who were prepared to act ladsy for the occasion.)

I’d largely agree with Marcus’ review of the new Bond flick. It’s the best Bond film in a while, even the invisible car didn’t seem as stupid as I expected. (Though the improvised wind-surfing chunky-ass CGI effects belonged in “Ice Age”, not an action flick.) It was replete with improbable villains, exotic locations, hideous punning and had a classic Bond titles sequence. Also a villain finally had the sense to pick up a car as heavily customised as the Bond-mobile. Lots of cute references to old Bond films, too (Q’s vintage gadgets, a UK flag parachute, the line “Well, after all, diamonds are for everyone”).

And Judi Dench, who rocks my world as a harder-than-even-the-old-boy’s-club M. (OK, I admit the Miranda Frost character did it for me as well.

She had an English accent.

And a sword.

What’s a boy meant to do?)

My favourite bit though, a truly classic piece of Bond character exposition, was the first appearance of Graves, parachuting out of the sky before being knighted: in a 30 second press conference we learn he owns a diamond mine in Iceland (!), is an Olympic level fencer, an adrenalin junkie adventurer, requires no sleep, owns a private space program and is politely concerned “not to keep Her Majesty waiting any longer”. And he achieved all of this in under 14 months.

My first thought was, right, there’s my goal for 2003: reinvent myself as a diamond-magnate Bond villain.

But then I had another think about the film. I’ve written before about the role of 2IC’s to arch-villains in action films. Provided you have no technical or combat skills you tend to survive the film (do not operate computers, build gadgets or carry guns for a bad guy – you get exploded, stabbed, frozen or sucked out of aircraft). Now, I can see myself in that niche: I’ve always liked being the lieutenant who keeps things running smoothly in the background.

And there’s a lot of turn-over in major Bond villains. Which must create a market opening.

Think about it. They have huge start-up costs: you need the secret lair, money laundering, you have to recruit goons and build an orbital weapons platform (or put a base on the moon). Then they die at the end of the film and the next guy has to re-invent the wheel.

But what if you were a 2IC super-villain consultant: rolling that corporate knowledge over from one mad world-domination scheme to the next? Smoothing the way, recruiting the goons, getting the HQ built and attending to those pesky interior design details. The loyal retainer with clipboard, funky three-quarter length-suit jacket and fancy vest and your own company: “Loyal Retainer Consulting: smoothing the way for start-up Arch Villainy in the new millennium”.

“Yes sir, will you be requiring the depleted uranium round tankbuster this morning? Unfortunately space platform construction is running behind – I’ve already activated the penalty provisions in the contractors’ agreements and put our solicitors on notice. Relocate operations to Cuba by Tuesday? Not a problem, I recall excellent suites that were available while I was working for Mr Blofeld. You recall, chap who wanted the US bullion reserves. Excellent man to work for, before he was sucked out of that plane.

Most unfortunate.

Will that be all for the morning? Excuse me then while I go clear the e-mail. ”

Yup, close to the action, yet unlikely to get shot, or to have to come up with a world-conquest plan from scratch.

All as an independent consultant of course.

Employee goons never make any money.

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